Getting ready for Halloween

I wanted to post a few pictures from last weekend. We had trick or treating in our downtown businesses. Izzy wore the same costume as last year because it was too cold for her other costume and her last year one still fits and she actually wore it. Normally she won't wear anything on her head but she kept the monkey on the whole time. She even carried her little pumpkin for quite a long time while people put candies in it. Her favorite part was at the end when I let her eat a sucker! Pure Joy.

Hope everyone has a great halloween!

Memory Catching

Yesterday my friend Jen took some great pictures of Izzy at the park. She is starting her own photography business and was practicing on Izzy yesterday. She did an awesome job! I wanted to share some of the pictures as well as the link to her blog

http://memorycatching.blogspot.com/

Oh and I am feeling much less sorry for myself than in my previous post. I felt better once I got my feelings out. I really am truely blessed in so many ways and I know in my heart that we have a beautiful and perfect family even if it doesn't get any better.

You Never Know......

Warning, this post will be me thinking straight off the top of my head and may be jumbled. I have had so many of these thoughts running around in my head and I need to get them out.

I named this post You never know because this is what I find myself telling myself and others tell me regularly with regards to me getting pregnant. While it is a true statement I supposed I find lately that it is giving me mixed feelings again. I feel like the infertility ghost which was hiding the last year or so because I was so excited/occupied with the joy of Izzy is back again. I look at Izzy and want her to have a sibling but I know we will not be adopting again due to financial reasons and it makes me angry! Angry that life isn't fair and that in order to guarentee Izzy a sibling we would have to spend 30K+ most likely and I am just not willing to do that in this economy. Angry at myself for not being happy with the blessing that I have!

I have tried the last few months to tell myself I am fufilled with Izzy and if she is all we are meant to have that it is okay and we will raise her to be a normal, happy healthy well adjusted child...even if she is an only child. So as much as I tell myself that and know that it is true....I find myself wanting more and feeling sorry for myself again.

For the last year and a half all my biterness towards not being able to concieve has been gone, I have hardly had a bad thought when I see a pg person or find out one of my friends is expecting so why are these feelings coming back?!

So now I find myself hoping/praying for a miracle that we will get pg. I find myself paying more attention to the calendar but can't bring myself to say "we are trying to get pg" because I don't think I can handle the disappointment. Every month when AF would show up when we were trying, was such a blow.....and the 2 weeks after ovulation were filled with such anticipation that maybe this time it will work only to find out NOPE! I don't think I can handle that again....so I find myself playing mind games with myself that I can casually pay attention to the calendar and accidently on purpose have sex those days but try not to be disappointed when nothing results of it....but i know the disappointment will still be there. How do I not let it get to me? Is it that I really want to be pg or is it that I really want to adopt again but can't that makes me more upset?

When I find myself talking to friends about this they always say "you never know" which is true but I feel like it sets me up for disappointment. Even though our infertility was clinically diagnosed as "unexplained infertility" why do I feel like it will never happen so why do I keep the smallest glimmer of hope that it will...........................

I hate "you never know" I wish I did................I want to adopt again.........I hate that it costs a ridiculous amount of money.......okay now for the zinger that I have been holding in, I hate that my parents could give me the money to adopt again but me and dh are way to proud to ask for it.....................

Fall Fun

I sure have been a terrible blogger lately. I don't know why I can't seem to make the time to sit down and blog more often. I guess I am wasting too much time on facebook when I am on the computer.
Life has been good lately. We have been enjoying all the fun fall has to offer. The weather has been pretty nice for the most part. This past weekend we were at my in laws cabin up north. Unfortunately we missed most of the peak color, most of the trees were bare...which worked out for Izzy she quite enjoyed playing in the leaves. Hunting season has begun so Izzy and I decided to go up north with daddy this weekend. Since my in laws were there it is alway a good time (although I have to admit I am a bit jealous of all the free time DH has to go hunting, he is gone from about 5:30 am until noon and then again from 3ish till 8) He did make up for it though and skipped hunting Saturday night and the two of us went out for a super nice dinner and left Izzy with Grandma and Grandpa.
Izzy has been changing more and more everyday. She has really started talking more and more and has recently started puting 2 words together. She loves to say "Hi" to everyone and will wave to you across the room while she is playing just to make sure you are paying attention to her. She has discovered Playdough, which was a great activity for the chilly mornings up north and likes to make balls and squish them. Her current obsession is bubbles. This child could play with bubbles all day if you let her. She likes when you blow bubbles and seh carries around her little dora bubble container. She just can't get enough for the messy bubbles! I am not looking forward to the snow filled days where bubbles will not be possible. It also never ceases to amaze me how happy she is first thing in the morning. She greets me every morning with the biggest smile and "mama" (which i am so excited to hear in the morning but I have to admit by the 100th time I hear it at the end of the day it gets a little old) I am not a morning person at all but this kid sure is!!!
Well enough procrastinating I have to get some work done now. Here are a few pictures from teh weekend