Never really goes away

Well I am having a bit of a downer St Patty's day! I am sure it will improve in about an hour when i go have a green beer! I feel like crap this morning, horrible cramps (even after the 3 motrin i took when i woke up) a back ache and am exhausted.

This horrible pyhsical feeling is also making me a little depressed. As much as I would like to think these feelings would go away they never really seem to. Anytime I know that dh and had sex during ovulation time, i can't help but get dissappointed when AF shows up. Now we are not "trying" , i don't really pay attention to the calendar much but it doesn't still make me wish for a miracle. In my head, I am grateful I never was pg b/c i wouldn't have izzy...but in my heart I guess I still have feelings of wanting to experience that...and wanting to give iz a sibling. I don't want izzy to grow up lonely and I hope that she won't be too much so. With the cost of adoption being what it is and with the economy being the state that it is I just really don't think it is going to be possible for us to adopt again..at least not now and the more time that passes , and the "easier" izzy gets I don't know if i will want to start over. There is an advantage to only having one, there is so much more we can do for her and as a couple....as selfish as that sounds. I never stop thinking "you never know" which is good and bad....b/c i still set myself up for disappointment. And it makes me so mad everytime i get a bad period, i get so mad at my stupid body for causing me so much pain and it is for nothing b/c my i suffer and have periods and can never get pg...which is what my body is supposed to do!!!

Sorry for the downer post but is how i feel right now. I am sure tomorrow I will be fine, when there are no cramps and I am back to my normal self..but for right now...i am mad/depressed and in pain!!!

Random Thoughts and Venting

Okay is Friday and have a million things racing around in my little head and I need to get them out I think.

Workout Progress
Well My class is almost over and I am so sad! I only have 2 weeks left! I have really enjoyed it and I am hoping I am able to keep it up on my own. I just wish i had a workout buddy that could workout with me the sames times i do. I am thinking about asking one of the ladies in my class if maybe they want to do it, although i think some of them are taking the class again. I would love to take it again (or a different TEAM class) but financially it is just not possible! I need to decide if i am goign to stick wiht the early morning thing or go back to going in the afternoons. I am leaning towards the early morning's at least Wed and Friday's but mondays (which are my one of 2 non working days) I may start goign later in the morning and taking Izzy, that way i can enjoy sleeping in a little. We will see. And there is some good news on the pilates front. I had doen teh demo a while ago on the reformer and loved it...but it is $25 a session so i haven't done it anymore...well my idiot sister in law (i call her an idiot for the second half of my post which will have to do with her) had bought 7 session and has decided that she isn't going to do pilates anymore and asked the gym if she could transfer them to me!!!!!!!!!!! So i think it is going to work out, I am just waiting confirmation from one of the pilates instructors but it looks like I am goign to get to do 7 free sessions because my sil is giving them to me (which is very nice and almost makes me feel bad for calling her an idiot....almost) So i am very excited for this because I really liked the demo. DH told me i shoudln't do it because then i am goign to want to do it more..........i told him, i already want to do it so why shouldn't i take advantage of teh free sessions even if I knwo that I won't get to do it after that. So we shall see...


Okay now on to my biggest issue right now. This is not a new issue but yesterday I think I hit a boiling point and had a bit of a breakdown/venting session to DH about it. Here is the abridged version because I could write all day about it. My sister in law is divorced (has been for 6 or so years) and has an 11 yr old daughter. I spend a lot of time with J, her daugther, I had her one day a week over the summer and up until recently i have picked her up from school one day a week. Izzy loves J, so it is always great to have her around because she is a huge help. Anyway, my sil is the most selfish irresponsible person that I know......and what kills me is I dont' even think she realizes it! If you ask her she says J is her number one priority...BS!!!! She has a boyfriend who treats her like crap, and she is beyond fiscially irresponsible! Over the summer J, confided in my about a lot of her feelings towards her mother. Basically my sil, spends very little quality time with her, talks non stop about her idiot boyfriend and the fights they have, is constantly obessing losing weight/body fat and her crazy diets and tells J way too much about what is going on in her money situation. This 11yr old girl knows more about money and relationships than I did when i was 20! Luckily J's dad is a GREAT father and a very positive role model for j. THANK GOODNESS

Well my sil had to file for bankruptcy last year because she was living WAY beyond her means and if finally caught up to her (here is the kicker, sh emakes 100K/yer +!!!!) So they lost their house and moved into a rental. You would think this would wake the woman up about making better money choices....NOPE!!!! She travels all around the freaking world with her boyfriend (most of the time while J is on vacation from school) and is so in debt to her boyfriend it is sick. She is spending several hundred $ a month on her obbesssion, fitness (she is 40 yrs old and is so fit she has less than 13% body fat...mine is 24!) She obbesses all the time about her workouts and now she has hired this crazy body building "coach" that she gets workotus and a meal plan from ...let me tell you the meal plan is RIDICULOUS!! All this obsession about body image is great for an 11 yr old......not!!!! Well yesterday I find out that J's dad had given her $20 to buy a new shirt she needed for her vocal music concert and my sil asks J, if she can deposit the cash in her account and put J's shirt on her credit card (the one her boyfriend got for her b/c she can't get one because of the bankruptcy) Well J, said she was really uncomfortable about this and was kinda unsure since it was her dad's money so J tells me that my sil, YELLS at her, gives her a guilt trip and then finally calls J's dad to make sure it is okay. She tells J that she needed to do this because otherwise her rent check would bounce by $5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And here is the best part about yesterday, she picks Jessie up at my house in her brand new LEXUS that she had just picked up that she is leasing thanks to her boyfriend who knew some dealership owner that was willing to give her a lease, and the bf put $3500 down on it, so now she is even farther in the hole to him. I am still so mad about it I can feel my heart racing!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WOMAN????????????????????????

The worst part is I can't say anything(and neither cna the rest of the family) because then she just isolates herself and I don't want to lose my time with J. There is a HUGE part of me that wants to call J's dad and tell him he needs to fight for full custody just so J doesn't have to deal with this crap anymore, but I know it would absolutely destroy DH's parents! I am just so frustrated! Dh just tunes her out and shuts it out, which may work for him but I am not capable of that , so last night i lost it, i was crying and just going on an on to DH! I know there is nothing i can do or say to change her but that doesn't make it any easier!

Talking Fool

I cannot believe how much Iz has changed in the last 2 weeks. It is like all of a sudden she is a talking fool. She is talking in sentences and non stop! It is SOOOOO awesome to actually be able to hear how she is viewing the world around her. I have always known that she was taking everything in but now she is verbalizing it and it is so fun!!!!!!

Some of my favorite stories recently..I was driving home with her on Tuesday night from my parents after having dinner and she was in her carseat talking away and starts saying "Mommy loves you, Daddy Loves You, Kiki loves you" It was so darn cute! She also has been a counting fool, she counts everything!! It is funny though because most times she counts, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,9,10...she forgets 8. Yesterday we were singing ABC's and I was shocked when I said ABCDEFG and she started saying HIJK(only it was not super clear but I knew she was saying it so i continued singing and stopping and she continued finishing where i left off. So cool!

She also has been amazing me with how well she enunciates(no idea how to spell that word) There are some things that are hard to understand but for the most part she does an amazing job at this. She finally is saying our babysitters name too so this wednesday christa was so excited to hear izzy saying her name.

She is just so fun right now, definately my favorite age so far. Now if I could only get her potty training....................she has NOOOO interested and just won' t do it. I hope this changes soon because I am really sick of the diapers!!!

5K coming up

Well my 5k is coming up in just over three weeks!! AHHHHH is all I have to say. I know I will have fun doing it because so many of my friends are, but I also know I will not be able to run the whole thing. I am just so in awe of people that can run! I just can't seem to do it! Although on Sunday my first workout in over a week since being on vacation, I ran .75 miles which is the farthest I have ever ran! So to me it is a victory but to most people it is nothing! I ran it at 5.5 on the treadmill and it took me just over 8 minutes. I was proud of myself but also felt so winded! I swear, I can walk up hill all day long but running just kicks the crap out of me!

I am headed back to the gym today to do cardio on my own since DH is still out of town so I couldn't go to my 6am class. I will either do the workout my class did this morning if i can find my trainer to print it for me or I will do one on my own and maybe try to run as far as I can. Although I am still sore from Monday's workout. i went to the 7pm class on monday night (again since DH was out of town i had to miss my normal class) and we did the strength circuit. It is a different trainer and a smaller class than mine and all i have to say is this trainer kicked my butt!! She did the intervals a little different and was much better and coming around and correcting our form etc(i am sure it helped that here were only 4 of us and in my class we normally have about 8 or so) I also pushed myself to increase the weights on some of the machines. It felt really good and it will be interesting to see if my normal trainer has changed it up at all since I have been gone. I haven't been to my normal class in over 2 week!!! We only have 3 1/2 more weeks to go and I am so sad! I love the structure and the accountablility of being in the class and I know I will not be able to take it again because it is so expensive. I will see how diciplined I am to try to keep up the workouts on my own...it is SOOO much harder on my own! I haven't decided if I will stick with the early mornings or go back to going in the afternoons after work Wed/Fri and i will go Monday mornings with Izzy. We'll see. I do like the early mornings because it is out of the way early but getting up is hard....we'll see....

Gettin up at 5am is going to be REALLY hard on Friday morning. I could barely pull my butt out of bed at 7ish the last 2 mornings!

Back from a fantastic vacation!!!

We made it home Saturday night and let me just start off by saying that Izzy was the absolute best traveler! We could not have asked for her to be any better!!!! She was great on teh plane, despite the long trip and the most amazing thing is she just totally went with teh flow the whole trip. I don't even think she had any major meltdowns! She napped everyday and slept just fine every night. After the first couple nights we just let her have a bed to herself which worked out much better, she is no fun to sleep with she sleeps sidesways and kicks you all night. It still amazes me that we would tell her it was time for a nap, take her in the bedroom, lay her down in one bed one of us would lay down in the other bed and in 10-15 minutes she was sleeping!!! It worked out great!!!!! She really was amazing!

Okay so here is how the trip went. Vegas was fine, except I was so sick. By the time i got to vegas on Wednesday I had a full blown sinus infection from hell. Luckily i called my dr and seh called in an antibiotic for me but even with that most of vegas i felt like crap and sounded even worse. I pretty much had no voice from Thursday until about tuesday! So most nights in vegas i was in bed early but I did try to have a little fun outside teh conference. One night I went to Toby Keith's I love this bar that was in our hotel and danced the night away and it was so much fun!!!! Friday night I saw Phantom with my mom and we had awesome seats and it was a really good show. Saturday was my favorite day because the conference was over and I spent the entire morning walking the strip! I put in my ipod and walked my booty off! It was really the only workout i did the whole trip. I under estimated how hard it would be to find time to get that in.

So chris and Iz came on Saturday afternoon and Izzy was SOOOOO happy to see me it was great!! She was kiddy with giggles and excitement, it totally melted my heart. By the time they got in they were starving and Izzy was tired so we pretty much ate and fell asleep by 7:30, my parents even offered to come to our room after their Circ De Soelie show so chris and I could go out but he was sleeping so we didn't take them up on their offer. Sunday we walked the strip a little with izzy then headed out. We were driving to grand canyon and on to sedona all in one day. Let me say this was a bit of a mistake. This was a VERY long drive, farther than I think we both thought it would be. Izzy did suprising well considering we were in teh car for about 8 hours!!!! We got a great rental car (they upgraded us after it was a 2hr nightmare to get the car) so we had a totally pimped out explorer that was super confortable and even had a plug for my ipod so izzy could listen to her tunes. We listened to a lot of toddler music on the drive. So by the time we got to grand canyon we really only got out once. (because there are no guard rails really so it made chris and I very nervous to have izzy running around, plus she was crabby and much happier in the car watching dora) but we did drive the long way all along the canyon. We then drove the next couple hours to Sedona. The road you have to go through the mountains to get down to sedona is supposed to be absolutely beautiful but unfortunately it was very dark when we went through so we could see nothing. And poor izzy, the road was very twisting turning, and by the time we got to the end she got sick! Poor kid btwn the stomach bug she had the previous week and the car sickness she is a bit traumatized, she will say "all done sick, yucky" randomly now all the time.

We pretty much ate and went to bed in Sedona the first night but our room had great beds and a private balcony with a great view. The next day we walked all around sedona and went otu to eat for lunch and grilled our own dinner on the bbq on the hotel/time share property. The place we stayed worked out great, they had a playground which izzy loved and an indoor pool which she also loved.

We made it to scottsdale about noonish, had some lunch and then checked into our hotel. While our hotel was not the nicest it worked out fine and was clean. We were on the ground floor right by the entrance to the pool so while izzy napped we could lay out at the pool and go in and check on her ever so often. The majority of the people staying at this place were all seniors so chris and I were teh youngest by a good 30+ years. It was hilarious, at one point we were at the pool with all the old folks that were in teh water and DH said he felt like he was in the middle of the movie cocoon!

(Izzy's favorite pastime at our hotel, playing with rocks outside our room door)

I will give the quick version of the time spent with family. It went very well, Izzy was the star of the show and got along nicely with everyone. It wasn't akward with Stu and wendy, it was fine. I really did enjoy the time spend with everyone. Here is a quick recap of what we did while in scottsdale.

Tuesday-arrived, ate, Izzy napped and then we went to my uncles house for bbq for dinner with family


Wednesay-We drove with my grandparents and Stu to Superstition mountain, a park about an hour from scottsdale and took some pictures, came back, Izzy napped and I hung out at the pool, we went out for dinner that night

Thursday-DH Izzy and I spend the morning ourselves walking around old towne scottsdale and the city buildings with a ton of fountains. We also watched a native american music/dance free show that was set up. Came back to hotel, izzy napped we drank beer and hung by the pool and then took izzy swimming when she got up then went to uncles house for bbq for dinner


Friday-We went with Stu/Wen and my grandparents to the Phx zoo. What an AWESOME zoo, so much better than the detroit zoo. Came back to hotel, hung by pool took izzy swimming after nap and went out to dinner with family and said goodbye to everyone


Saturday-Visited a park and let izzy play for a while then headed to the airport and headed home.

It was an awesome time. I am very proud of myself for being so relaxed, i didn't feel any stress. I started an finished a book "Twilight" I am now addicted and will be starting the 2nd one tonight i am sure.

We had wonderful weather, especially in Scottsdale, I miss it already!!! It is a whopping 15 degrees outside right now!!! I CAN'T WAIT FOR SPRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Getting ready to go!

Well, Izzy just got picked up by grandma where she is spending the night so DH can take me to the airport for my 8:40am flight! I have yet to pack one thing!!! I am so overwhelmed I don't know where to start. On top of that it seems I have been "blessed" with a cold!!!! Yes, I felt it coming on last night, hoped that taking airborne would do the trick but no luck. It is here and I have a feeling it is going to stick around a while!!! Urgh!!!! I just pray Izzy does not get it!!!! So I have been taking my sudefed, airborne and mucenex and hoping for the best. That is probably part of why i have yet to pack is because I would much rather take a nap!!!!

So how do I pack only one suitcase for a week and a half where I will be in locations ranging from 30's at night to hopefully up to 75 during day plus i need work clothes/shoes for the conference, and workout clothes (because i will not fall off my workout wagon while I am gone) , plus casual vacation clothes. Plus I need to pack izzy up too so that DH doesn't hvae to do much of it because I just don't trust that he will remember everything (yes call me a control freak)

So i guess i need to just crank some music and get after it. It is 4:30 in the afternoon and I have a lot of work to do!!!

I will probably be MIA during my trip as I am not bringing a computer and I doubt that DH will bring his with everything else he is going to have to manage on his own at the airport.

Wish me luck!

Random Potty Pictures

Well we really haven't done much potty training lately since Izzy really could care less and has no interest but when she does get on the potty she likes to read daddy's fly fishing magazine...she loves to look at the flies...it is quite comical. Then yesterday izzy found a pack of Dora underwear my mom bought (that are a size too big) and she had to put them on, yes over her clothes and all 3 pair at one time. The pictures are pretty funny so I thought I would post them to start you off to a funny monday!