Getting ready for Halloween

I wanted to post a few pictures from last weekend. We had trick or treating in our downtown businesses. Izzy wore the same costume as last year because it was too cold for her other costume and her last year one still fits and she actually wore it. Normally she won't wear anything on her head but she kept the monkey on the whole time. She even carried her little pumpkin for quite a long time while people put candies in it. Her favorite part was at the end when I let her eat a sucker! Pure Joy.

Hope everyone has a great halloween!

Memory Catching

Yesterday my friend Jen took some great pictures of Izzy at the park. She is starting her own photography business and was practicing on Izzy yesterday. She did an awesome job! I wanted to share some of the pictures as well as the link to her blog

http://memorycatching.blogspot.com/

Oh and I am feeling much less sorry for myself than in my previous post. I felt better once I got my feelings out. I really am truely blessed in so many ways and I know in my heart that we have a beautiful and perfect family even if it doesn't get any better.

You Never Know......

Warning, this post will be me thinking straight off the top of my head and may be jumbled. I have had so many of these thoughts running around in my head and I need to get them out.

I named this post You never know because this is what I find myself telling myself and others tell me regularly with regards to me getting pregnant. While it is a true statement I supposed I find lately that it is giving me mixed feelings again. I feel like the infertility ghost which was hiding the last year or so because I was so excited/occupied with the joy of Izzy is back again. I look at Izzy and want her to have a sibling but I know we will not be adopting again due to financial reasons and it makes me angry! Angry that life isn't fair and that in order to guarentee Izzy a sibling we would have to spend 30K+ most likely and I am just not willing to do that in this economy. Angry at myself for not being happy with the blessing that I have!

I have tried the last few months to tell myself I am fufilled with Izzy and if she is all we are meant to have that it is okay and we will raise her to be a normal, happy healthy well adjusted child...even if she is an only child. So as much as I tell myself that and know that it is true....I find myself wanting more and feeling sorry for myself again.

For the last year and a half all my biterness towards not being able to concieve has been gone, I have hardly had a bad thought when I see a pg person or find out one of my friends is expecting so why are these feelings coming back?!

So now I find myself hoping/praying for a miracle that we will get pg. I find myself paying more attention to the calendar but can't bring myself to say "we are trying to get pg" because I don't think I can handle the disappointment. Every month when AF would show up when we were trying, was such a blow.....and the 2 weeks after ovulation were filled with such anticipation that maybe this time it will work only to find out NOPE! I don't think I can handle that again....so I find myself playing mind games with myself that I can casually pay attention to the calendar and accidently on purpose have sex those days but try not to be disappointed when nothing results of it....but i know the disappointment will still be there. How do I not let it get to me? Is it that I really want to be pg or is it that I really want to adopt again but can't that makes me more upset?

When I find myself talking to friends about this they always say "you never know" which is true but I feel like it sets me up for disappointment. Even though our infertility was clinically diagnosed as "unexplained infertility" why do I feel like it will never happen so why do I keep the smallest glimmer of hope that it will...........................

I hate "you never know" I wish I did................I want to adopt again.........I hate that it costs a ridiculous amount of money.......okay now for the zinger that I have been holding in, I hate that my parents could give me the money to adopt again but me and dh are way to proud to ask for it.....................

Fall Fun

I sure have been a terrible blogger lately. I don't know why I can't seem to make the time to sit down and blog more often. I guess I am wasting too much time on facebook when I am on the computer.
Life has been good lately. We have been enjoying all the fun fall has to offer. The weather has been pretty nice for the most part. This past weekend we were at my in laws cabin up north. Unfortunately we missed most of the peak color, most of the trees were bare...which worked out for Izzy she quite enjoyed playing in the leaves. Hunting season has begun so Izzy and I decided to go up north with daddy this weekend. Since my in laws were there it is alway a good time (although I have to admit I am a bit jealous of all the free time DH has to go hunting, he is gone from about 5:30 am until noon and then again from 3ish till 8) He did make up for it though and skipped hunting Saturday night and the two of us went out for a super nice dinner and left Izzy with Grandma and Grandpa.
Izzy has been changing more and more everyday. She has really started talking more and more and has recently started puting 2 words together. She loves to say "Hi" to everyone and will wave to you across the room while she is playing just to make sure you are paying attention to her. She has discovered Playdough, which was a great activity for the chilly mornings up north and likes to make balls and squish them. Her current obsession is bubbles. This child could play with bubbles all day if you let her. She likes when you blow bubbles and seh carries around her little dora bubble container. She just can't get enough for the messy bubbles! I am not looking forward to the snow filled days where bubbles will not be possible. It also never ceases to amaze me how happy she is first thing in the morning. She greets me every morning with the biggest smile and "mama" (which i am so excited to hear in the morning but I have to admit by the 100th time I hear it at the end of the day it gets a little old) I am not a morning person at all but this kid sure is!!!
Well enough procrastinating I have to get some work done now. Here are a few pictures from teh weekend

Weekend filled with mixed emotions

This weekend was both a happy time and a very sad time for me. Friday DH and I flew to Texas for one if his friends wedding. His friend who I have met a few times has been through A LOT the last year and a half. He had a brain tumor (not cancerous) removed just over a year and a half ago and ever since has been rehabing from the damage the surgery/tumor caused. He has had to learn how to eat again, speak again and still has issues with facial muscles that haven't come back as well as some vision issues. He has been with his now wife for several years and after delaying the wedding once because his rehab was as far along as he wanted it they finally tied the knot on Saturday. It was an amazing wedding and the most beautiful setting for a wedding I have ever been too. There was not a dry eye in the house during the ceremony and their first dance. It was a wonderful occasion.

The other emotion i felt this weekend was sadness. When we landed in Memphis on our way to Austin I got a voicemail that said my grandfather "Opa" had passed away in New Jersey. He was 97 and I knew his passing was eminent but because we already had our trip to texas planned we went anyway not knowing exactly when he would pass. So the funeral was yesterday and I was not there. This broke my heart in more ways that I can express. Unfortunatley since we were in Austin the airfare (even at a reduced berievement fare) would have cost $1000 and I would have had to leave Austin on Saturday to get there in time for the funeral. As much as I so badly wanted to make the trip it really didn't make much sense. I heard the funeral was very nice and that all the grandchildren and cousins made the trip (except me of course) I sent my Oma a card explaining my sadness for missing the event and I had flowers sent to the funeral home. We decided that since we missed the funeral we would book a trip in the upcoming weeks to fly to NJ with Izzy and spend the weekend with my Oma. I know she will enjoy this probably even more than if we were at the funeral, but it doesn't make my guilt and sadness go away completely.

I pray that she is able to handle the grief of losing her husband of 70 years!!!!!!!!!!!!! But is she isnt' able to handle it, I hope the rest of the time she has left on this earth is good.

Long Time

Wow it seems like forever since I have blogged. Our life has been so busy since we got back from our vacation (which was GREAT by the way). Every weekend this month with the exception of last weekend, have been filled with weddings and wedding activities. This weekend we have our last wedding which thankfully at least I am not standing up in however, it is in Austin TX. I am so looking forward to next month when our lives go back to "normal"

It is so nice this week, my younger brother is in town from Florida and it has been so nice to see him. It has been since May I think since I saw him last. Izzy LOVES him. And he does so well playing with her. Yesterday I wished I had the video camera so that I could have captured the pure joy they had playing wiht each other on the neighbor's trampoline. My brother is a big bad police officer and SWAT team member who just melts around his young neice. It is so nice to watch.

On the Izzy front I absolutely can't believe she will be 20 months old tomorrow! I dont' know why that sounds so much older than 19months and that suddenly the reality of her turning 2 is just around the corner!!!!!!!!!!!! I just can't believe it!!!!! Where did the last year especially go? My baby girl is very quickly becoming a little person! Her vocabulary has just exploded the last couple weeks! She is so much easier to communicate with, she now tells us what she wants sometimes before we ask but if you ask her a question she will actually answer you with a yes (she say yeah) or no (sound like "new") She is the happiest kid, she hardly ever fusses! She is so laid back and goes with the flow so easily when she gets dropped off and my parents or dh's parents for the day, night or even the weekend when we have been busy with wedding stuff. She really is the definition of pure joy! She loves to play with her choo choo's and her cars and doesnt' care much for dolls or stuffed animals. She LOVES to bow bow,(bounce bounce) on the neighbor's trampoline and play with the 7, and 8 yr old girls that live next store. We had our second mom/toddler class this week and she is doing great! The first week she really had enough of circle/song time after about the 3rd song out of 5 I think but this week she sat for it much better. Her favorite part of class seems to be the end where the teacher gives the kids some stamps on their hands, she loves her "hamps" and is so excited to show them to anyone who asks to see them. Last night in teh bath I washed them off and she said "all gah" for all gone. She really is too much!

I love watching everyday the person she is growing into and love most hearing her little voice as she explores the world. I had no idea I could love anyone so much!

Anniversary weekend and change coming

I am so excited for this weekend! Dh and I are celebrating our 5 yr wedding anniversary!!! We are going back up North to my in laws cabin on Saturday for a few days, then on Monday we are leaving Izzy with them and heading to michigan wine country and we are goign to stay 2 nights at a B&B that we stayed at last yr. I am so excited!!!!! It is so pretty up there and the b&b has the BEST breakfast!! We are going to visit some wineries and taste some wine :) Eat at a fancy place for dinner one night and just relax! I can't wait!!!!

In other news, I am thinking about putting Izzy in daycare one or two days a week versus having the babysitter we have now that comes to our house. I feel like as she gets older she needs to be exposed to more things. A friend of mine loves where she takes her son and it is really close to my house. They dont' have any minimums so it sounds like I could put her there as little as one day a week. I need to get over there and check it out and see how much it costs etc. Right now i have a babysitter that comes to the house once a week (who i love dont' get me wrong) and then one day a week I take Iz to my moms....I am pretty sure my mom woudl be really disappointed if I took away her day but at the same time it would be so much easier to put her at hte place right by my house. Who knows I need to do some research and see how much money we are talking etc. I am also going to enroll Iz in a mother toddler play/music class once a week. I am already dreading the weather turning colder and not being able to be outside and do a lot of the activites we do now. I am still working the two days a week and really enjoying it. It is a great balance for me. I just switched my work days from tues/thurs to tues/wed so i can pick up my 11 yr old niece from school every thursday. Having had her a full day a week this summer we have really bonded and I think it is really important to keep giving her that time with me, plus she loves being with Izzy and is a huge helper.

So lots of changes coming I think but hopefully they will work out.