Okay this post is going to be me thinking out loud. The other night DH and I were laying in bed talking. He says something I myself have also been thinking. He says "I am not sure I want to have anymore children" I said "me either" Then he said "I know that is selfish, because most of my reasons for thinking that are selfish reasons" It was such an interesting perspective...is bringing up an only child selfish? I haven't been able to get this thought out of my head. There is such a negative stigma to only children...that they will be spoiled, and lonely and often brats.....Is this really the case? I read an article on babycenter.com the other day that said often times only children do better in school, and are more successful....finally some postive feedback about only children.
Here is how I feel. There is a large part of me that feels totally fufilled where we are right now. I wanted so badly to be a mom, and I am one. We had the best adoption experience. Why isn't that good enough? I feel so much pressure to give Izzy a sibling because of all the negatives surrounding only children. Not to mention endless comments and questions from family and friends "When are you going to have another?", "When Izzy junior comes along.... " Lets face it, adoption is very expensive. We managed to do it the first time okay but I really dont' want to go severly in debt to do it again. But is it selfish to feel that way.? Will Izzy be severly lacking something growing up without a sibling? How will I answer her when she tells me she wants a sister or a brother? Will my feelings change when Izzy is older and no longer "a baby"? These are all of the things I think about. I really like my life right now, why screw with that? I feel like if we have another child it will change everything and sure I am sure a lot of it will be for the better but some of it won't be. How will I manage being a SAHM of 2?
I feel like most of my guilt of not doing it again is soley based on society's stigma of only children....or is it fear that we would have a bad experience or never get out of debt?
I don't know, and I know we don't have to decide for good what we want to do for a while....I just have been having all these thoughts and wanted to get them out.
5 comments:
Amen, sister:) I'm talking to you via facebook right now, so that will serve as my deep comment, but just remember you're not alone!! :)
Bravo to you for saying the things so many people feel but never say out loud. We still don't know if we will have more kids or not. Some days we say "abosultely more kids", and some days we say "we are happy with how great things are as is". There are pros and cons to both sides. The one thing that keeps bringing me back to the "absolutely" is the fact that my siblings mean so much to me, and I couldn't imagine my life without them. Do I want to deprive T of that? I don't know...
Hi Lani,
I hope you don't mind my commenting. I found you through looking at other adoption blogs. I don't know if I have commented here before or not? I am an adoptive mom to 2 children and I totally relate to what you write here.
After 7 years of struggling with infertility and trying to concieve, I was soooo relieved and soooo fulfilled when our son finally came to us! I was in ablsolute bliss for so long, I could have cared less if I ever had another child. Hubby didn't want another, ever. We were getting older than we wanted to be for having our first child and, as you said, the adoption was expensive, we wiped out savings and some retirement. We didn't see how we'd ever do it again!
I did exactly what you are doing. I worried all the time about him being an only. I heard all the comments from family and friends. Then, I decided that it was only between me and hubby and the Lord and quit listening!
However when our son was 3, nearly 4, I really began to have the desire for another. I felt strongly that we weren't complete. It took my hubby a year to feel the same! Thus, our kids are 5 years apart.
So, just enjoy new motherhood right now! Don't worry about it! It will be fine either way, more kids or not! If you are meant to, God will let you know that and He will provide a way!
Sorry to be so long!!! Feel free to visit and read about my story and our life!
Hi Lani...I found your blog through Becky's, on my rounds around the blogosphere. I have to say, I actually think you are NOT being selfish by really thinking this through and not just going for a second adoption because of all the social pressure out there to have siblings for your little girl. My hubby and I are currently in the process of adopting and it is very costly...I don't think it's selfish to be careful about the kind of debt you rack up while building your family. In fact, it seems unselfish! I have two sisters, and feel very thankful for those relationships in my life. I'd love to say I'll adopt more than once but from where I am right now, I just don't know. It's already been such a very long road to motherhood for me so far and I'm not even there yet! In many ways, the thought of doing this all again someday just seems daunting. Even though I'm not a mom yet, I can understand some of your concerns. I'm sure you and your hubby will figure it all out. At least you are both on the same page...that's a great thing that seems to be less and less common these days!
Have a wonderful day,
Melba
ME TOO!!! ME TOO!!!
I have had the VERY same thoughts based on the very same reasons! I am pretty sure we have decided to not add to our family but will that change in the future? Who knows. I just know that like you, I am happy with where my life is.
Tough decision.
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