Thursday, March 31, 2011
Confused
Well i am posting this just to vent about it. I feel so blessed to have our beautiful daughter, i can't believe she is already 4...i really do feel complete about our family....so why is it lately i find myself day dreaming about getting pregnant....which i know is not going to happen..i mean if i can't get pregnant after 5 iui's and ivf, and no birth control after 7 years of marriage the likelyhood of it happening is so slim...and honestly even if i did miraculously get pg...i think i would feel conflicted. I am in a really good place now, izzy is so easy and my job is going really well and i have huge plans for the future...we are also planning some big vacations in hte next two years...hawaii in december, Disney in March and Austrailia in march 2013...so why in the world would i want a baby???? but at the same time i find myself thinking about it and paying more attention to my cycle than i have in years....wtf? I think maybe it is because it seems i know a lot of pg people right now so it makes me think about it. Who knows...i know that 80% of me really doesn't want another child..i just wish i could get the other 20% on board. the other thing i have been considering which maybe a factor is i am considering having a IUD put in because my periods have been aweful lately..bad cramps etc...so i think that makes me think that then there will be no miracles and it will be certain that it won't happen...who knows! I hope this phase passes!!!
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I am so glad you wrote this post because it totally echos what's been rattling around in my brain lately. I know mine is triggered by turning 40 this year and I think it's some imaginary line I've given myself.
Or it could be that ALL the women in my mom's family (other than my mom who had her tubes tied) had babies after the age of 40?
Anyway, I'm with you. I think if it happened I'd be mildly conflicted but mostly happy. Yet I look at the life I am currently leading and frankly, it rocks! We are also looking at Hawaii in Nov this year and either Disney again in the spring Feb/Mar or Mexico and I know without a doubt that none of that will happen if another child enters our family. Well, not on that timeline anyway.
I think it's just natural. I think that despite all we try, our automatic response to have more than 1 child - like most of us intended before IF ruled our lives - starts to creep back in. Whether we want it to or not!
Really, I'm just desperate for menopause to start so I can forget it once & for all!
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